BY CONNIE OGLE Miami.com
These days you can’t open your front door without someone yelling at you for doing something wrong.
Sometimes you are doing something wrong, like eating a corn dog or wearing Crocs. But a lot of the time you’re just existing. And as we struggle through the coronavirus pandemic and quarantine, existing is basically all it takes to become the target of relentless social-distance shaming.
Social-distance shaming began the moment the experts told us to stay inside, at which point we immediately promoted ourselves to Person Who Knows Best and started telling everyone else what to do. This is helpful in many cases, as Florida residents have often proven resistant to good sense in the past. But it’s getting to the point where you can’t take out your garbage without someone shouting at you to get back inside.
Some parks, marinas and golf courses are now open in Miami-Dade, Broward and Palm Beach counties, and there are rules for visiting them. There are rules for taking a walk around your neighborhood. We think there should be rules about who you’re allowed to shame, too. And we think we should be allowed to make them.
So: You are not allowed to shame someone for simply being outside. Fresh air is good! Exercise is good! We need to counteract that bag of Cheetos we had for breakfast. You can’t shame someone for doing jigsaw puzzles even though we did (we are jerks) or for not wearing a bra.
You are not allowed to shame someone for complaining about having to teach their kids and work from home at the same time because it is really, really hard and teachers should be paid a lot more than they are. (On the bright side, Mom, you can stop saving up for Harvard and buy better wine.)
And you really, really are not allowed to shame someone who has to go to work outside the house, because not everybody has a cushy desk job like you.
You are allowed, however, to go off under any of the following circumstances:
SOMEONE AT THE PARK ISN’T WEARING A MASK
On the first day of open parks in Miami Beach, the city issued 652 warnings for people not wearing masks. This is why we can’t have nice things, people. You don’t need a mask if you’re engaging in strenuous activity, but real talk: You’re not.
SOMEONE AT THE GROCERY STORE ISN’T WEARING A MASK
This is Quarantine 101: you have to wear a mask in groceries or pharmacies. Everybody should know this. If they are not wearing masks, they have just flown in from the Andromeda Galaxy and haven’t been keeping up with intergalatic news or they are making some kind of idiotic point (and we do mean idiotic). Either way keep your distance and grumble quietly because we don’t want a full-scale war to break out or for anyone to breathe on you.
SOMEONE IS BROWSING AN AISLE AT THE GROCERY STORE FOR MORE THAN FIVE MINUTES
Now is not the time to consider dinner options for the week at a leisurely pace. Make a list before you get to the store. Grab your items. Pay and get out. The end.
SOMEONE AT THE GROCERY STORE IS SITTING ON THE MEAT CASE
Now is not the time to spread your butt germs.
A RUNNER DASHES UP BEHIND YOU WHEN YOU’RE TAKING A WALK AND SPRAYS SWEAT ON YOU
You are well within your rights to yell a series of bad words at her.
A BIKER OR A WALKER OR A RUNNER IS GOING THE WRONG WAY
We thought everybody knew which way you were supposed to go on the street, but judging from our travels around the neighborhood, apparently they do not. Runners and walkers should be facing traffic. Bikers, you ride with traffic. If you are at a park, follow the signs and/or arrows. Pro tip: If you are riding straight into a bunch of other bikers, you are definitely going the wrong way.
YOU SPOT MORE THAN EIGHT HARDCORE BIKERS RACING ALONG THE STREET TOGETHER
This clot of humanity is not a family in quarantine. These are bike nerds who can’t bear to be separated from their Spandex. Shame away, especially about the Spandex.
YOUR NEIGHBOR HAS 15 VEHICLES PARKED ON HIS FRONT LAWN
You know there are not 15 drivers living there. He’s having a party. Snap a photo and shame him on Next Door and/or Instagram with the hashtag #covidiot.
YOU CATCH SOMEONE DITCHING THEIR GLOVES ANYWHERE BUT IN THE TRASH
Cry “Havoc” and let slip the dogs of war when you see this. You can never heap enough shame on this terrible person.
YOUR FRIENDS ARE STILL COMPLAINING ABOUT NOT BEING ABLE TO GO TO THE BEACH
Remind them missing the beach is a privilege and threaten to Tweet about how dumb they are if they don’t hush.
